There just F'n Words

I look around and see life passing by. Geez my little cousin Hannah just turned nine. I have almost been out of high school ten years and my hair is turning gray.

I noticed something the other day. Why do we look around at what other people have and why do we always want it.

Why we try to live other peoples lives instead of our own.

As 09 comes to a close I have realized something this year.

You Have To Live Your Life. I am far from perfect.

Some people would look at me and say Im a redneck from WV. Others look and see a professional Network Admin. Then some just see me.

I am a network admin but it doesnt define who I am. I am from WV but am not the definition of the stereotypical redneck.

The thing I realized is living life isnt about keeping up with the Johnsons. It isnt about being ashamed of where you are from. Its not about money or fame.

I bought the new Foo Fighters Greatest Hits Album. Theres a Song Called Word Forward.

This song can be interpretted many ways. For me its about going Forward no matter what.

Its about living life the way it makes sense to you. If anyone has any objections just remember there just F'n words.


Good bye Jimmy, farewell youth
I must be on my way I've had enough of you
Was a young man, proud and true
Just a simple boy with nothing left to lose

Years that I've wasted
These I owe you's

They're just fucking words
This is life or death
It's time to clear the air
You better save your breath
Say have you heard
Say have you heard
The Poison in my heart
And voices in my head

Years that I've wasted
These I owe you's

I meant every word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward

But it's only words
I meant every word
They're just fucking words

Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward
Word for word for word forward

Home

You know that feeling you get....You know the one where you feel like you just dont belong....I get that way every now and again...It makes me want to pack up and hit 64 East and not look back to the valley.

I go through these fits every once and a while especially when it gets close to my birthday... Well its about a week until my birthday so I thought I would blog about it.

I know this is what I am suppose to be doing....Working IT have a good job and the love of my life is here with me.

I also know that there is nothing for me in Beckley. I couldnt find a job there and thats how I ended up in Charleston to begin with....

But still I grew up in Beckley and sure there is nothing to do there but hell there is nothing to do here. At least at home I have my family and friends and Mel does too.

I miss the Friday night all nighters hanging out with Thomas and Chris...I miss driving out and knowing the cars I pass...I even miss the people who poke my stomach and tell me Ive gained weight...(Side note I have a desk job now of course I was going to gain weight) I miss going to Grandmas and going to the top of the hill and hitting golf balls into the woods or taking up for my fam when someone does them wrong.

Every time I hear about something going on it makes me so furious that I wasnt there or I cant help.

Sure I have things going pretty well here but honestly I would dig a ditch in Beckley to get out of the Valley.

Im not saying there is anything wrong with Charleston but its just not my kind of town. Its not home.. You dont know everyone on the corner..Kinda like Cheers everybody knows my name there.

Man the simpliest times were when I worked at Kroger making like 7 bucks an hour. I would make enough money to fill my car up and do something on the weekends. I was broke but happy.

I guess that is part of growing up (The Real World As They Say)

The Adventures of Sqeak and Squoosh

Let me first start by saying that this is completely true.

Melody came home yesterday and wanted to go to the park.

We went to the Little Creek Park in South Charleston and was driving around and came upon a place where we could get out and walk on some trails.

We walked for a little bit and found a little waterfall and Mello wanted to take some pics. Taking pics from the bank wasnt good enough so she decided to cross the creek.

This is where the adventure starts. While crossing the creek one of her flip-flops comes off and starts to float downstream.

We just looked at each other like now what are we going to do. Being the greatest finacee in the world that I am I followed the lost flop downstream until it was caught in a small pool of water.

I take of my flips and proceed to enter the cold, muddy, God Knows whats in there water. All the while Melody is taking pictures.

I rescue the lost flop and take it back to Mel. Now I am freezing and I have dirt and sticks between my toes and am ready to go home eat and get warm.

We decide that we should follow the trail and it should surely take us back to the car. We could have only been so lucky for that to happen.

We start following the trail and it ends at the creek bank. Not sure what to do we look around for a bit and then I spot it. The trail picks back up on the other side of the creek.......

This time I wasnt taking off my Flip-Flops...I could see what was there and I didnt want to get some crazy ass rednecks beer bottle stuck in my foot.

We make it across and I here squoosh squoosh ....Squeak Squeak....

Melody's flip flops were now making the squeaking sound and mine a squooshing sound. I had the padded flip flops and they soak up water like a sponge not to mention fill like they are 20 pounds heavier.

Moving on still squeaking and squooshing we feel like we have to be getting closer. .....Wrongo...We had to flipping cross the creek 4 more times.....

Now I am not in the best of Shape and have put on some weight so my ankles were killing me when they werent numb from the cold water.

We see another trail marker could we almost be home free....I was getting exciting but only to my dismay we were now on a completly different trail....

Melody has this "Oh Shit" look on her face because it is now starting to get dark....

She looks to me and says do you have cell signal? I grab my Blackberry and say yes but there is no way in Hell I am calling for Help......

We make the decision to backtrack to the beginning and you know it.....We had to cross the creek 4 more times.....

We make it back to the little waterfall and Melody is not doing to hot....We still have to hike up a hill....Her face turns pale and she is definitely staggering.

I ask her if she is alright and I get an emphatic NO!!!!!

I told her slow down a bit and breath....Mostly because I wasnt carrying her out of there but I also didnt want to see her have a heart attack....

We make it to the car and start home....I am just happy to be sitting down at this point and Melody says...I think I am going to be sick....

Long story Short she doesnt get sick and I end up throwing away my favorite flip flops..

Next time no matter what she says I am taking a full arsenal of hiking gear...

Here's to Me and The Hell with you

Have you ever had one of those days...I mean really one of those days...

I used to have these days all the time. Man I was literally a dark cloud on everyone's Sunny Day.

The Title of this blog Here's to and The Hell with you is how I feel these days. It isnt pointed at anyone but me mostly the person I was a little over a year ago.

It is not a secret but as some of you may or may not know from reading my posts I suffered from Depression and Anxiety.

It has been almost a year since I first decided to get help and for once in my life I have kept every doctors appointment that I have had.

I went back to him this past week and he told me that I didnt need to see him for a year. Aside from gaining 20 pounds I havent had any screwed up side effects from the meds.

So here is to the New Me and The Hell with the Old Me..I like my life a lot better now..

My 2 Cents on Other People's 2 Cents

For anyone that knows me it takes a while for me to warm up to anyone. I guess you could say I have that I dont trust you till you prove yourself attitude.

Thats just me. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I like being by myself at times. Even my Mom mentioned that when I was little I would play calmly by myself. If friends came over that was great but if no one was around I was cool with that too.

Well everyone has their 2 cents to put in about the way I live my life. One says I need friends another will say that I will end up all alone, another will say that it isnt good to be by yourself all the time and the best one is that it isnt healthy to be by yourself.

Look I am an only child. I had a mother that worked full time and a father that was hardly there. I had to learn to entertain myself. I did just that and it carried over into my adult life.

I am content with things. I can take people or leave them. I know that sounds harsh and I dont mean it to be but if I dont talk to you for a few weeks that doesnt mean Im mad or your not my friend. It simply means I am in my own world doing my own thing.

I only let people that I want get close to me. It works out.

Here is the flip side of all that. Never fails. When I am on a plane or at a restaurant or at an event I always and I mean always find the guy who wants to talk my leg off. Its like I have "Talk to ME" written on my forehead.

I dont care how many times you have rode on a plane. I dont want to talk about the weather and I could really care less about your wife leaving you for your brother and taking your dog since you had since you were 4. Yes people have said that to me. Freaking complete strangers and by the time they are done I know everything about them.

Being the way I am keeps me out of the drama in other peoples lives. If you dont tell me then I dont know about it and no one can ever say he said this or she said that.

Now if that makes me a jerk or non-sociable then I guess that is a label that I will accept. I am not the person to come to if you need a shoulder to cry on.

I am happy being me. I often refer to myself as the Black Sheep of my family. One day I made this comment at a family gathering and my mom wanted to know why. I told her the reason. It is because I dont do things the old Tried and True way of doing things. I didnt follow in the footsteps of anyone in the fam and I chose to do things my way. I am the one who really stands out from the crowd in my family.

So call me a jerk call me non-sociable its fine with me. I like the way I am and I def like being by myself. I have a Cliq and you guys and gals no who you are that I have let into my own personal life.

I like it when people dont know much about me. It keeps me sane and I dont have to worry about what the next person thinks of me.

I will keep being me and you keep being you. I wont pry into your life as long as you dont pry into mine. Its called a personal life for a reason.

Follow Up to Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Recently I had an opportunity arise where I could have moved from WV. Still with the same company, still in IT but just a little different role in a bigger state.

I mulled it over thought about it, ran it by a few people but ultimatley this past weekend came to the conclusion that for right now it is best for me to stay where I am.

Its not that I dont want to try it because believe me I was ready to pack up and head down south.

Ultimately the reason I decided to stay was that I am needed where I am. I have a new employee who is still really green to our business and I am trying my best to bring him up to speed and teach him the skills needed to take over the reigns if something was ever to happen to me. He's not there yet and I would feel really uncomfortable leaving it all in his hands. To be honest at this stage if I left I am pretty sure he would leave as well.

It took me 3 working on 4 long hard years to learn to do what I do. He will probably never be put through some of the things that I was but the company was just growing when I started. He will never get to experience the total rebuild of the Chilhowie server room at 3 in the morning or doing a migration at greensboro eating McDonalds at Midnight then putting in another 2 hours just to get the job done. He wont build 8 servers in 8 weeks and then migrate 300 users to our network. He wont travel with his boss and learn his eating habits and that Elvis died in 1977 and that Chinese food really isnt that bad.

Give him a little time a it will sink in. The things that are second nature to me take time to learn and I am realizing this.

Another reason is my current Boss. Dont get me wrong she is great and supported me if I wanted to move. I just didnt think it was fair to leave her being in a new posistion and for the only person that knows the network inside and out to take flight. She is adapting to the new changes and to be honest the persons job that changed least was mine. I am still doing my thing taking care of issues and trying to share my knowledge with everyone in the process.

Now dont get me wrong. Those are not the only things that played a factor into my staying. I think it would be hard on Mel to move another 3 hours away from her Family. She would follow me to the end of the earth and if it was something I really wanted she would be right there.

All in all when it came down to it the timing just isnt there. I have unfinished business here. Not to say I will never move. As I have said before I am a different person these days. The past eight months have been the happiest of my life and I would love to try something new and exciting. One day it may happen and the pieces will fall together just right. Until then I will keep teaching and more importantly learning.

Until then I will hold in down in WV and keep in touch with my friends down south.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

You wake up in the morning and you decide what clothes you are going to wear. You decide what to eat for breakfast and which way you are going to take to work.

Life is full of decisions. The question is how do we make the correct decision. Some think to sit down and go over the pros and cons while others take a blind leap of faith.

For me its a little of both. When I took my job in Dunbar it was a blind leap of faith and I had nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I gained a lot from taking that leap. Life experiences, Career advancement, New Friends. That was probably the best move I made.

Is it possible to have learned all you can from one place?

At 26 I am finally living life. It took me until 26 to fly on a plane and I am ready to see more.

Im not saying I am packing up tomorrow but I would like to experience some of the bigger cities around.

I dont see myself retiring in West Virginia. Dont get me wrong and take this the wrong way "I Love my State" but being in the technology field and seeing the surrounding states grow makes me wonder if I am missing something.

I recently went to Atlanta GA. and that is a big city. I loved it. Little did I know the Celtics were playing the Hawks that night. I could have died. I could have seen the Celtics up close and personal.

I always used to brag that I was a small town guy. Things change.

Who knows where I will end up in life but some of the best experiences in my life have been from the Blind Leap of Faith attitude.

Eye Doctor Appointment

Well it has been about 13 years since I have been to the eye doctor. Recently I started going home with intense headaches after work. I thought it was stress or eye strain. Melody convinced me to go to the eye doctor but honestly anyone who is a doctor freaks me out (Sorry for anyone reading this that are docs). Thats just me though. I dont like hospitals, Doctors, Dentists or Optometrists.

I get to my appointment and the doctor starts the exam and im doing pretty well. He then puts this yellow dye like stuff in my eye to check the pressure of my eye or something. This stuff honestly felt like super glue. After that I look through the classic gizmo that has all the lens in it and then the exam is over.

As I am sitting there the doctor looks at me a says and this is no joke...Justin....You have perfect vision.....But you need glasses. The look on my face was probably priceless. I couldnt gather in my mind how I had perfect vision but still needed glasses.

The Doc then proceeded to tell me that one of my eyes focuses better than the other and it is a constant struggle with my brain to figure out which one will do the work. That was why I was getting my headaches. He then tells me I simply need a pair of what he referred to as computer glasses. I only have to wear them when I am at work starring at the computer screen all day.

Melody and I joked about it a day earlier as I made the comment what if he tells me I have 20-20 vision. We laughed and Mel said that was not possible.

When I told her my prescription she told me she didnt even think they made glasses in that low of a prescirption laughing the whole time of course.

Hopefully this relieves the massive headaches I get everyday.

Anxiety and Depression

Well guess I should come clean.

Heres the story....I was the typical 21 year old just graduating from college and going into the workforce.

I was doing what I was supposed too right. Yeah things were going my way but in the middle of all this I woke up a beast in my brain.

I got a job in Dunbar about an hour (45 minutes if you speed) from Beckley. I got my first apartment and moved out from my parents house. I was something or so I thought.

Slowly I started to become distant from everyone. I would seclude myself inside of my one room apartment and not take any calls from anyone. My brain would wonder soon little thoughts of what if turned into full blown panic attacks.

I was not the best person to be around either. Because of my stressed out and worried demeanor I would snap at people for doing something minor.

At one point I was told to come home or at the very least go and get some help.

I wouldnt listen to anyone. I thought I can control this. My mind is strong I dont need someone giving me meds to cope with life. I had the real tough guy attitude.

I am writing this blog for anyone who may be going through the same thing and to let them know it is Ok to get help. It doesnt make you any less of a person. It doesnt make you any less of a man or woman. It is simply your brain lacking a chemical and there is nothing wrong with needing medicine for it. If you had high blood pressure or high cholesterol you would take medicine and this is no different.

The person that knows me best finally made me promise to seek help.

Its been around 7 to 8 months and I must say I am a completely different person. My family and friends noticed the difference first.

Total 180. I am happy go lucky. Gone are the days or seclusion and alienating myself away from people. I am finally living life to the fullest.

It is Ok to get help. Trust me .

2012

Alright Alright enough already!!!! 2009 is barely here and Im already hearing this 2012 prophecy end of the world stuff.

First it was Y2k then it was 06/06/06 now it is December 21 2012.

Honestly if I have to hear about this one more time I may snap.

Supposedly there is a big astroid named Nibiru or Planet X that is supposed to crash into earth and end civilization.

Lets face it Im not going to set around looking at the sky like Chicken Little. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

If it happens then WOW they got one right. If it doesnt then I am sure we will hear about the next Doomsday Prophecy soon after that.

Dont believe everything you read on the internet Folks.